Hello, my name is Liam and I’m obsessed with Steven Seagal.

Posted: September 20, 2010 in Nuggets
Tags: ,

What makes me still want to go and see Steven Seagal movies? He hasn’t made a decent one since Under Siege yet here I am, sat in a deserted cinema watching the increasingly immobile has-been struggling with his own slimy ego to deliver the most articulate of martial arts moves with the agility of Johnny Vegas.

Sad as it is, I just can’t ignore a man with a 7th degree black belt in aikido, who’s alleged (by himself) to have worked black-op’s for the CIA. Someone who muscled Arnie out of the box-office and married ‘Weird Science’ teen-fantasy Kelly LeBrock. Granted, the guy’s a prize bullshitter but perhaps that’s his appeal – every man’s boyhood fantasy played out against the contradiction and confusion of adult life. A spiritual soul brother who makes violent action films, an humanitarian regularly accused of sexual harassment, a Buddhist with a bullish reputation. He could snap your neck in the flick of a wrist, exerting the effort required to break a toothpick. And he’s even tried it on with Jenny McCarthy.

Whether decked out in a beret or gold lame sports jacket, I don’t care. With ponytail or without, the slick-backed barnet is always ready to go, like some deluded superhero for the noughties, tackling ruthless oil barons, campaigning for world peace, outing rogue CIA agents, mediating for the people of Tibet and still finding the time to grope chicks.

Who cares if he’s stuck in some awful B-movie surrounded by rappers, he’s still up there, a shining example for lonely 30 year-old adolescents everywhere…

Appeared in Blowback magazine p.9 [Issue#8 June 2004]

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